where's my drive?

sometimes i really envy people who are so focused with what they are doing and where they are heading. how is it possible to be so disciplined and determined about something? frankly speaking, i have never worked my guts out for anything. i always think i'm giving my best, but i know my best always stretched beyond what i gave.

i have this friend who has this national piano competition at the end of the year. although he's in army now, he's never wasted any opportunity to practise. during nights out, or book out, he'll be rushing home, not to catch the latest tv program or to meet up with friends and chill, but to sit at the piano and til his fingers ached, he'll still be practising. he slogged hard. he really wants to win. he knows he wants to. he's determined to move towards his goals. what about me?

till today, my vision for my own future is still a blur. what do i want in future? what do i want to do? ambitions or dreams or goals, whatever you call them. do i have any of them? perhaps i do. but i'm always distracted. today i may think i want this. the next day, it changes. where's the determination i should have? and even if i have the determination in future, will i ever work as hard?

and thinking about this, i really feel ashamed of myself. the amount of future tenses in this entry is drowning me.